Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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