I wish I only lived at night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
