Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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