Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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