nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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