When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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