I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
