I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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