this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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