The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
time to smoke my breakfast
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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