Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
