She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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