MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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