she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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