i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
