I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize