I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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