Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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