Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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