I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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