I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
