New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
