I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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