dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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