I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
