So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
