Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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