Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
