I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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