dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
