I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
