My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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