I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
