I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
im on a boat
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