I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
