Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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