Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Randomize
