I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
