Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You're like the curious george of whores
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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