your room smells of hookers.
And success
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
