I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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