Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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