just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
