she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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