I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
