I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
