My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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