I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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