I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
