arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
