News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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