i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
