i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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