ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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