Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
