Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
