How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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