You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
