Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
