The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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