I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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