Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
