I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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