Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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